Thank you to everyone who sent me those kind messages. It's nice to be reminded there are people who care. But I really am okay. I nearly deleted that last post right after I wrote it. Now I'm glad I left it up. It's the first time I put some of those feelings into words, even just for myself. But those feelings aren't new. They've always been there. So I'm okay.
I had a funny dream a couple nights ago. I was in the washroom of a fast food place sitting on the toilet. I saw a roach run past me and go behind the toilet, which sort of gave me a creepy feeling. I leaned over to see if I could find the roach and I ended up on my hands and knees next to the toilet. There were a few roaches behind the toilet but they were dead. I picked them up anyway, one by one, and reached between my legs to push them into my vagina. I felt like I didn't want to do that but I couldn't help it. I wanted to feel dirty.
So, this being a dream, my pants are not around my knees anymore, they're suddenly just gone. And I'm crawling on the washroom floor, because now there are roaches scurrying everywhere. I catch one and stuff it inside me, and then another, another, another, and I'm getting upset because they're hard to catch and I need them all...
That was the whole dream. I didn't get to cum or anything. I've never had an orgasm when I dream. Would I do that for real? I don't know. I've surprised myself before.