Sunday, July 19, 2015

July 19 2015, not quite a milestone.

I almost had sex Friday night.  Many people I chat with know I haven't had sex since I was seventeen, and by sex I mean being intimate at all with another human being. Anyway it could have happened but it didn't, because of me.

He's exactly the kind of guy I'm attracted to.  Confident, sophisticated, well-groomed, and a gentleman.  Perfect guy, really.  There's no way he'll ever find my blog so I can say his name is Eli.  Eli works with artists to find NEA grants for their projects, which I think is cool, though I don't completely understand how that works.  Eli took me to dinner at a Mexican place in Oak Park called Maya Del Sol.  I was there once before with my dad and I liked it a lot.  And I liked it again this time.  I had fish tacos...pescados whatever.  Eli and I had great conversation.  He's sort of a nerd, talking about science stuff a lot, but I like that.  Eli told me about Pluto and the satellite thing going on right now.  I wish I knew more about that.

I should have invited Eli in when he drove me home, but I didn't.  I know it sounds stupid now but I became afraid of my own motives.

You know the metaphor of being laden down with emotional baggage.  Well I'm carrying something like 200 pounds of old bricks, each one the same, each one for a guy who had sex with me during high school, each brick earned to get attention.  I was a slut for attention.  It hurt me then when I understood what I was doing and that's why I completely stopped having sex.

I'm now twice the age I was when I stopped.  I should have let go of all that long ago, but I haven't.  Friday night was the first time I really had to confront those feelings, and I found them right where I'd left them.  So I didn't invite Eli in.  I didn't feel ready.  We didn't have sex though we both wanted to.  But I think we left it open.  I'm pretty sure he wants to see me again.  I hope so.  Is Eli someone I could get serious with?  I don't know.  I think I could want that.  Maybe.  I hope he's patient.  It's so complicated. 

As much as I'd like a partner, as much I like guys, as much as my biology still tells me I need a mate, I'm still satisfied wallowing in my horrible perversions.  I can still get out of breath, literally soak my panties when I fantasize.  I am not done with that.  I want more of it, for real, not just in fantasy.

My poor kitty Ben is looking at me suspiciously.  He was already an older cat when I adopted him.  Ben came with a lifetime of wisdom of watching humans so he can probably tell when I'm troubled.  Okay, he can definitely tell when I'm opening a can of tuna.  I hope he doesn't know what I think.

I know this is a different kind of post from me.  I hope it's better than nothing.  I've been working on a bottle of Merlot tonight and now I want to forget about Eli for the moment and pollute myself really bad.

23 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Maybe it's time to pollute your snatch with the contents of Ben's litter box ;)

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  3. You should try this fetish http://wormfetish.blogspot.com/

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  4. So glad to see you posting again! I'm glad to hear you're doing okay, I hope things work out with this Eli guy he sounds interesting and nice. Hope we hear from you again soon!

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  5. This may sound stupid but there's such a deep sorrow in all of your posts, it's really captivating to me and I really wish you all the best, and hope to see more posts, no matter what the content, just because of your unique way of expressing yourself.

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    1. N..no! No come one everyone can you not see this is wrong ive seen some weird fetishes and when I say weird I mean WEIRD this isn't sexy nor should you try it youll damage your body and add that no one would want to touch you there. Im not saying sex isnt bad hell im a sex addict but I will not let other people hurt themselves because they're "horny" if your horny masturbate hell watch porn dont go sticking things that don't belong there up there she shouldn't be a graphic novel because its sick and revolting and im a person whos seen alot

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  8. didnt realize how close you live to me.... ive been to maya de sol a few times....

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  9. didnt realize how close you live to me.... ive been to maya de sol a few times....

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  10. do you have anymore maggot or any other weird stories

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  11. Glad to see you posting again and having a potential love interest. Nothing wrong with not being ready yet. I hope things work out for ya.

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  12. Yay please keep updating! You have a very interesting life.

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  13. I really hope you and your kind die in a firebomb. Sad thing is.. I wouldn't even know if it did happen.

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  14. I feel very sorry for you, because when you open yourself up for an audience, they only demand perversive stories.

    I'm really glad you found someone you could potentially love, and that relationship does sound promising. But don't fuck him unless you are truly prepared, and have all your conflicted feelings sorted out.

    I'm not trying to be derogatory, but you should find a therapist who could work out any issues in your life that hinders you from having healthy relationships.

    It's perfectly normal to fantasize. I just hope you found a balance where you can sexually satisfy yourself and not cause too much harm to your body.

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  15. Maybe it's too late, but I recommend you to change details in your story or add different details. Your maggot story is more popular than imagine, and spilling truths on the Internet may have some way of coming back to you.

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  16. Happy New Year Debbie and all followers! I wish all kind of dirty joys in 2016.

    / I hope you will share with us if anything happens to you. :) /

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  17. I'd love to even just hear the ideas you have for yourself. You don't even have to have done them but you should write up your dirties fantasies. I'm sure everyone would love to know what they are

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  18. I know this is old news to most but I just discovered your story today. Can you please post a bit about what happened at the hospital after your dumpster experience (the first one) 2009. I guess I understand you had toxic shock but how difficult was the recovery? I think whatever makes you happy is fine I was just wondering how risky it is for you? As you seem to have got by fine on subsequent occasions.

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    1. Here it is...

      Here's the rest of the story. The hospital part.
      10-08-04:

      I'm glad I'm writing all of this down. It'll help me remember. I keep wondering whether all of this will encourage or discourage anybody else from trying it. All I can say about that is to be careful unless you really are trying to kill yourself, which I wasn't.

      Anyway, this is probably the last I'll write about it. I just wanted to finish up what happened after I passed out and eventually woke up in the hospital.

      My immediate impressions were that my mother was there with me, I had an IV in my arm, and I had a huge headache. My mother was obviously relieved that I woke up. She said that I'd been unconscious for three days. Maybe I was in a coma, she wasn't sure. But anyway now it was Friday morning. It took me a little while for my head to clear out and begin to remember why I was there. But when I finally did remember, I realized that my mother must know what I had done to myself. Oh, no.

      I asked her how I got there. She said that she'd found me in my bed and called 911, and then she frowned and turned away from me, bringing her hand up to her mouth. She was really upset. I can just imagine what I must have looked like. I felt really bad for having put her through that, but I didn't know what to say to her except that I was sorry. She asked if anyone had done this to me. I shook my head no. And then she did something I didn't expect. She suddenly seemed relieved and didn't look so upset anymore. And then she kind of zoned out and stared out the windows for a little while. As she was zoning, I began to notice all of the stuff i was hooked up to. I have no idea what it all was, but there seened ti be little electrodes and tubes everywhere on me.

      I was feeling way better later on that day, and my mother and I were communicating again. I'd found out that I was in the ICU because the infection was so bad my kidneys had begun to shut down. I had gotten toxic shock syndrome, which I'd heard of but only in relation to tampons. Apparently that can kill you. I didn't know.

      I got to go home from the hospital a couple days after I woke up. I lost my job. My mother and I agreed that if I'm going to continue living at home, I would have to start seeing the psychiatrist again, at least for a while. My father doesn't know everything that happened. He just knows I got sick. Right now it's October 8th, and I think I'm completely recovered. I even have a new bed.

      I had a lot of time to talk with my mother while I was in the hospital be adn since I've been home. I don't want to go into too much detail about what we've talked about, but I will say I don't have any more secrets between us. She knows everything now. The weird thing is that she seems to understand it all way too well. I'm beginning to wonder about that. Like maybe she's got some secrets too, you know?

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  19. Best of luck to you, girl. You deserve it.

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